Fare Thee Well.

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad walk me down the aisle,

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad hold my child, and love him the way he loved me.

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I owe to you all that I am,

For you never lost a moment to teach me things...

Things people fear,

Things that are the very essence of life.

I looked forward to the holidays,

For this sole purpose.

You had the warmest heart,

You never missed visitors in your house - wanting to tap from your wisdom.

I will not mourn,

I will celebrate - for you taught me how to be strong.

I rest assured that the pain and suffering is no more,

But I surely will miss you.

As you hang out with the angels, 

Say hi to Muthiani, and tell him that his lil munchkin misses him every morning.

Say hi to Nduku Mwengi, 

Tell her I still have our lil notes.

Say hi to Sheila Nthenya,

Tell her I remember every laugh shared.

Say hi to Darlington Maranga,

Tell him he will live forever in my dancing heart.

I will cry, I will break,

But I will thank God for every moment shared. 

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I'll never know how it feels to have my dad walk me down the aisle,

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad hold my child, and love him the way he loved me.

Bad Friends.

I worshiped you and put you on a pedestal 

I actually enjoyed our conversations

I valued the advise you gave me

I was a fool to think you actually cared

But you were one of my own

When with you I felt taken care of

Only to later realize

The kindness was on a plate of despise

You lied to me

I found out

I approached you about it

Now you feel offended

I am as sweet as a morsel in the mouth of a starving man

But when scorned I am as fierce as a lioness who just lost one of her cubs

It was great uncovering the layers you adorn yourself with

Because with each layer came a new discovery of how deep my revenge can breed

You Are A Coward. (For the broken-hearted).

I always thought that you were the strongest person I will ever meet, but all I have been seeing is a mask.

You are a coward.

You dare venture into countries that you know well enough have monstrous armies, but then you go into hibernation when the armies come at you.

You dare furnish your thoughts with dreams unrealized, and fan that fire, but once the fire is burning, you pour ash all over it.

You are a coward.

You sing ballads to me when we are alone, but in the presence of merely strangers, people who do not even matter (or so I thought, but now I know), you behave as if you have only just met me.

But one thing you fail to realize, as much as you keep me hidden – us hidden - as much as you seem to ‘just-have-met-me’, as much as you hibernate and pour ash all over that blazing fire, you can never conceal how you felt, whilst doing all that you did.

You will never erase the imprint I made in your heart, as our souls connected.

You are a coward.

We might stop talking in future, we might even stop all form of contact all together, but your eyes, will always betray you, when it comes to me.

Dead Life.

They say what happens to you in life is not what matters,

That it's what you do afterwards, that actually does.

I followed that advice, and I have become nothing close to what I dreamt to be.

I was a bubbly person, fun, loved hanging out, I trusted people, going on adventures and trips, and making new friends.

Now, I am a very quiet, reserved and introverted human being, locking everyone out of my enormous walls.

I am comfortable with where I am, sometimes.

But the truth is, I would be way way waaaayyyy ahead in life if I did not change my personality.

I am a woman, and I will always be high in hormones, in search of the truth, the right career, the right man, the right time to do this and that...

But it doesn't not grant me a free ticket to take my pain out on any other people/things.

So, I own up to my dead life, this dead life I have been living for far too long.

I ask for grace to make a change soon.

The Lies We See, The Lies We Tell, The Lies We Live, The Lies We Have Become.

Those that have been abused, abuse others.

Those that say everyone whom they ever loved, went away, push the ones that love them the most, away.

Those that preach against fornication, practice it behind closed doors.

Those that put you down, admire you.

Those that say there is no such thing as love, throw true love away, once they get it.

Those that mock you for being fat, end up fat.

Those that play "shy", actually aren't.

Those that hate you, cannot bear to unfriend / unfollow you.

Those that love too much, have hurt the longest.

Those that trust too easy, interact with people who break their trust, repeatedly.

Those who are know-it-alls, are quite insecure with themselves in-front of large crowds, and as a defense mechanism, feel the need to collect all this information (true or not), so as to have something to offer.

Those that say, “I’m not photogenic, I hate pictures”, are actually dying to get one. And when they do,  they share it.

Those that say, “It’s for charity”, announce they deeds all over, even get the media in on it and advertisers too.

Those who said to you, “I will never love another, if it ain’t you… it’s no one”, will move on so fast, you will be left choking up on the smoke they left behind.

Those that tell you, “trust Jesus”, worry the most.

Those that cannot forgive others, cannot forgive themselves.

Those that read this, will automatically have a pre-conceived notion of how disturbed (or liberated) the writer of this piece is... unless... 

Can't a Woman be Mad for Just One More Day?

I am hurting inside

I have the remedy

But I am too stubborn to end my suffering.

I have tried

(Not hard enough though)

But I just can't seem to let it go.

I seem incapable of forgiving

Holding on to the wrong is so justifiable

Regardless of the fact that I know I have to forgive, to be forgiven.

You see I just cannot fathom

How someone can be so cruel

To a person they once broke bread with.

Day in day out

This person is pushing a knife in your back

But patting you at the same time.

But I need to move on

I was hurt, I still am scathed

But for my sake I need to let go of this pain.

Somehow holding on to the bitterness is a comfort zone

Staying mad feels oh so good

So can't a woman be mad for just one more day?

The Pain of Regret and Fear.

The pain of regret is worst of all because by the time it hits you that you lost its in most cases too late. And just the thought of that loss is unbearable.
Yet it's self inflicted and you can't blame anyone expect yourself.

Some of the reasons for this include fear.
Being afraid to dare, being afraid of the shame that comes with falling short. 

We shall never know if we never dared God and see that he can do what he says he can do. 

I went to a hospital and laid hands on a patient and prayed the pray of Mark 16:18.

And they still died and I was so discouraged that fear gripped my heart such that I was so apprehensive to do that in public again. But then my son got sick and medicine was not doing much and when I dared God healed him and he was discharged from hospital. 

From that day on I resolved that God could depend on me by His grace and being embarrassed would not stop me.

The thought that scares me is, what if God honoured that prayer such that that person would live and not die because I obeyed.

Fear is not of God but the devil.

Fear not; for God is with us; not because we are without sin but because God is faithful to his word. 

#PastorTalks