Prose.

So, I am sure most lads have no clue as to why women are crazy, angry, bitter, and you know, WOMEN!

Well, I am hoping some light will be shed today.

Women are raised by a society that tells them, "to show pain, and to speak of your uncomfortablity is a sign of weakness".
That is why most of us when asked, "Are you okay Darling?" ... the answer most often that not is, "I'm fine."

We never really have the guts to admit we are hurt.
We have been brought up to believe, that when you are hurt, you should 'handle it like a woman'. (Whatever that means.)

So we grow up with so many issues all pent up, never really being able to speak about issues that make us uncomfortable on a daily basis.
Then we meet 'Mr. Right'.

All is swell as we know how to treat him (our aunties have done their bit), we know how to allay his fears, and we even know how to calm him down when his tempers seem to rise.
We are in a happy place, we introduce him to the 'girlfriends'.

Then life happens, 'Mr. Right' says you aren't right for him anymore.
You are devastated. You cry yourself to sleep and after a week or so, you master the courage to tell your girlfriends.

Your girlfriends feel sorry for you, they may even take you out to show you a good time, but very few will ask you, "Hey, tell me how you really are."
It's not their fault at all, I mean, after all, you should be free enough with them to be able to let all those feelings out... but then again, you don't.

You take all those feelings, home. You tell yourself life has to go on. You start fake-smiling till you actually nail it. You start attending social functions. You start to slowly heal... 3 months... 6 months...
and before you know it, 1 year down the road, you are a happy soul.

You master the courage to speak about your ordeal at a bridal shower and your girlfriends are in awe.
"How could you go through such a tough ordeal?", A question, you cannot answer. You exchange hugs, and soon go back to giggling and laughing.

It is not long before you start realizing your girlfriends are hanging out with the man who single-handedly tore you to pieces.
You are mad. Fuming, but yet again, instead of displaying your true feelings, you feel your girlfriends will think you are trippin'. So you let that slide.

You let so many things slide, in the name of being mature, and one day you find out, your BFF had a thing with your Ex.
Before that sinks in, you tell your current boyfriend, and he just holds you, hoping you will feel better.
One day while the girls are having pizza, your girlfriend's phone rings and it is your boyfriend.
Yes, the one whom you are dating. (Thank God for Technology and contact IDs).

You did not know that they talk, you did not that they are friends. You wonder why either of them has kept this from you. You let it slide. But it bugs you too much and decide to confront your girlfriend.
She says that she never thought much of it, besides, you had not told the 'girls' that you were back in the dating scene till recently.

It still buggs you, and this time you confront 'bae'. He says they had a thing but swears that was before the two of you were serious.
Now, who is lying, who is telling the truth.

You take sometime off, go on a short vacation (read, movies and comfort food for a whole 3 days in your crib), and think about 'things'. Whilst thinking about things, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, all have notifications on the weekend you missed out on. Pictures of 'bae' and your girlfriend all over. Clearly an event you were not invited.

You start over-thinking but then again, you do not want to be the tripping kinda pal, so you double-tap and like the pics. Soon, convenient dates are set up and even all nighters. You are left out. You soon start getting the point. You pack your emotional bag and leave for Ecuador.

3 years later, you never really told your girlfriend what she was doing was hurting you (Yes, people, when I break up with a guy, we {meaning all my girlfriends} all temporarily break up with him too, until 'we' heal or otherwise).
Another bridal shower, we meet, we are older now, but this time round, you are not the one who is heart broken. It is your girlfriend.

Having being there once, you sympathize and just as you are about to cross over to the empathy side of the Sahara, she blubbers, "How can Shiro (another girlfriend who apparently did not make it to the bridal shower) do that to me? She knows I love him, why would she hang out with my Ex?"

You want to laugh at her but you hold it in. You look at her, she is actually, truly hurt. You almost want to remind her that what goes around........ but you don't. You hug her, hoping the hug makes her feel a little bit better.

They patch things up and Shiro immediately sends a whatsapp message "Bae and I are good, thanks lovelies for being there for me when I needed you most". We are genuinely happy for her, we even hook up on a Friday night to celebrate. You end up meeting Shiro's 'bae', and now you have a face to the name.

You are later added to similar groups on whatsapp. One cold December afternoon you get an IM, "I must confess, your eyes are to die for. I wonder how it feels to be lost in them". You do not know who this is, so you click on their whatsapp avatar. It's Shiro's bae.

You take a deep breath. You are mad that he even thought it was okay to make such a comment, but more mad that it's coming from your girlfriend's boyfriend. You scold him but he is shocked, he says you are the first to 'resist his charm'. You are so mad you want to tell Shiro, but immediately think that since she is a drama queen, you'd rather cushion the fall.

You find out how best to tell Shiro and she turns on you. Telling you how you are envious of what she has with her bae, and she even tells you to stay away from her. For good.
It kinda hurts, and you want to tell someone, but you cannot. You certainly cannot tell the girls 'cause you do not want them to have to choose between you two.

Now, imagine this... This woman who has grown up keeping all these things and more, inside, finally gets married. Barely a year after the honeymoon, she one day catches hubby flirting with a colleague. She finally explodes at the age of  40-something...

People who do not know her story will quickly pass judgement: "Why are all women crazy? What on earth would make such a woman so bitter?"

Fare Thee Well.

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad walk me down the aisle,

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad hold my child, and love him the way he loved me.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I owe to you all that I am,

For you never lost a moment to teach me things...

Things people fear,

Things that are the very essence of life.

I looked forward to the holidays,

For this sole purpose.

You had the warmest heart,

You never missed visitors in your house - wanting to tap from your wisdom.

I will not mourn,

I will celebrate - for you taught me how to be strong.

I rest assured that the pain and suffering is no more,

But I surely will miss you.

As you hang out with the angels, 

Say hi to Muthiani, and tell him that his lil munchkin misses him every morning.

Say hi to Nduku Mwengi, 

Tell her I still have our lil notes.

Say hi to Sheila Nthenya,

Tell her I remember every laugh shared.

Say hi to Darlington Maranga,

Tell him he will live forever in my dancing heart.

I will cry, I will break,

But I will thank God for every moment shared. 

                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad walk me down the aisle,

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad hold my child, and love him the way he loved me.

Bad Friends.

I worshiped you and put you on a pedestal 

I actually enjoyed our conversations

I valued the advise you gave me

I was a fool to think you actually cared

But you were one of my own

When with you I felt taken care of

Only to later realize

The kindness was on a plate of despise

You lied to me

I found out

I approached you about it

Now you feel offended

I am as sweet as a morsel in the mouth of a starving man

But when scorned I am as fierce as a lioness who just lost one of her cubs

It was great uncovering the layers you adorn yourself with

Because with each layer came a new discovery of how deep my revenge can breed

You Are A Coward. (For the broken-hearted).

I always thought that you were the strongest person I will ever meet, but all I have been seeing is a mask.

You are a coward.

You dare venture into countries that you know well enough have monstrous armies, but then you go into hibernation when the armies come at you.

You dare furnish your thoughts with dreams unrealized, and fan that fire, but once the fire is burning, you pour ash all over it.

You are a coward.

You sing ballads to me when we are alone, but in the presence of merely strangers, people who do not even matter (or so I thought, but now I know), you behave as if you have only just met me.

But one thing you fail to realize, as much as you keep me hidden – us hidden - as much as you seem to ‘just-have-met-me’, as much as you hibernate and pour ash all over that blazing fire, you can never conceal how you felt, whilst doing all that you did.

You will never erase the imprint I made in your heart, as our souls connected.

You are a coward.

We might stop talking in future, we might even stop all form of contact all together, but your eyes, will always betray you, when it comes to me.

Dead Life.

They say what happens to you in life is not what matters,

That it's what you do afterwards, that actually does.

I followed that advice, and I have become nothing close to what I dreamt to be.

I was a bubbly person, fun, loved hanging out, I trusted people, going on adventures and trips, and making new friends.

Now, I am a very quiet, reserved and introverted human being, locking everyone out of my enormous walls.

I am comfortable with where I am, sometimes.

But the truth is, I would be way way waaaayyyy ahead in life if I did not change my personality.

I am a woman, and I will always be high in hormones, in search of the truth, the right career, the right man, the right time to do this and that...

But it doesn't not grant me a free ticket to take my pain out on any other people/things.

So, I own up to my dead life, this dead life I have been living for far too long.

I ask for grace to make a change soon.