The Lies We See, The Lies We Tell, The Lies We Live, The Lies We Have Become.

Those that have been abused, abuse others.

Those that say everyone whom they ever loved, went away, push the ones that love them the most, away.

Those that preach against fornication, practice it behind closed doors.

Those that put you down, admire you.

Those that say there is no such thing as love, throw true love away, once they get it.

Those that mock you for being fat, end up fat.

Those that play "shy", actually aren't.

Those that hate you, cannot bear to unfriend / unfollow you.

Those that love too much, have hurt the longest.

Those that trust too easy, interact with people who break their trust, repeatedly.

Those who are know-it-alls, are quite insecure with themselves in-front of large crowds, and as a defense mechanism, feel the need to collect all this information (true or not), so as to have something to offer.

Those that say, “I’m not photogenic, I hate pictures”, are actually dying to get one. And when they do,  they share it.

Those that say, “It’s for charity”, announce they deeds all over, even get the media in on it and advertisers too.

Those who said to you, “I will never love another, if it ain’t you… it’s no one”, will move on so fast, you will be left choking up on the smoke they left behind.

Those that tell you, “trust Jesus”, worry the most.

Those that cannot forgive others, cannot forgive themselves.

Those that read this, will automatically have a pre-conceived notion of how disturbed (or liberated) the writer of this piece is... unless... 

Can't a Woman be Mad for Just One More Day?

I am hurting inside

I have the remedy

But I am too stubborn to end my suffering.

I have tried

(Not hard enough though)

But I just can't seem to let it go.

I seem incapable of forgiving

Holding on to the wrong is so justifiable

Regardless of the fact that I know I have to forgive, to be forgiven.

You see I just cannot fathom

How someone can be so cruel

To a person they once broke bread with.

Day in day out

This person is pushing a knife in your back

But patting you at the same time.

But I need to move on

I was hurt, I still am scathed

But for my sake I need to let go of this pain.

Somehow holding on to the bitterness is a comfort zone

Staying mad feels oh so good

So can't a woman be mad for just one more day?

The Pain of Regret and Fear.

The pain of regret is worst of all because by the time it hits you that you lost its in most cases too late. And just the thought of that loss is unbearable.
Yet it's self inflicted and you can't blame anyone expect yourself.

Some of the reasons for this include fear.
Being afraid to dare, being afraid of the shame that comes with falling short. 

We shall never know if we never dared God and see that he can do what he says he can do. 

I went to a hospital and laid hands on a patient and prayed the pray of Mark 16:18.

And they still died and I was so discouraged that fear gripped my heart such that I was so apprehensive to do that in public again. But then my son got sick and medicine was not doing much and when I dared God healed him and he was discharged from hospital. 

From that day on I resolved that God could depend on me by His grace and being embarrassed would not stop me.

The thought that scares me is, what if God honoured that prayer such that that person would live and not die because I obeyed.

Fear is not of God but the devil.

Fear not; for God is with us; not because we are without sin but because God is faithful to his word. 

#PastorTalks

Forgiving and Forgetting and Moving On.

That moment when you are on social media

And a thought crosses your mind

It's been long since you saw your Ex's profile

That is, after blocking, un-following or de-friend-ing him/her.

So you go to their profile

And start seeing what they have been up to

Funny enough your heart is racing

And something tells you, "You might not want to see what you are just about to see".

But some other thing tells you "There is only one way to find out if you have TRULY moved on"

So the profile is full of fun stuff, which gives the notion that they have been having a swell time without you

But then further down, you see those sweet-nothings you used to write to each other

They are still there

They are there for the whole world to see that once upon a time, they loved you

And they loved you truly, deeply, sincerely

Even if it was not meant to last, for the time it did, you were indeed loved.

So you log out of social media with a smile

Knowing that however your relationship ended, or however bitter either of you were

Even with all the hate you once had in your heart for each other

Your Ex can never change how you made them feel.

I Am His Lethal Sin.

He calls me to hear my voice
I call him to know if he's fine
We don't do it often
We both have too much pride
To admit to each other
What our relationship does to one another.

I don't take him home,
He doesn't take me to his mama
My friends don't even know him
And his, don't know me, let alone my friends
When he has to see me, or I him,
It has to be away from familiarity.

We get talking
I love his vibe
He gets off my vibe too
He gives me those eyes...
On our not-so-awkward, not-so-comfortable silence breaks
You know, those eyes that say, "Damn girl, I wish 'she' was you."

We are done talking
Catching up
After 5 whole hours
Just as usual
I am kind of sad, and so is he
But he is always brave about it... nkt... these lads!

We get into the car
He is not driving this time
We are being driven
We are in the back seat, he holds my hand, gently but with a reassuring firm grip,
And we snuggle
It's raining outside, perfect way to keep warm as we talk
But soon we fall short of words
Words limit our truest of feelings
So we sit in explosive but comfortable silence
'Till we get to my place
And he opens the car door
Perfect gentleman.

The moment is here
I look deep into his glistening eyes
As he unflinchingly looks into mine
He pulls me to himself and holds me tight
This feeling is lethal
I want to die and I want to live forever.

In eight seconds
Our heartbeats sync
It's mythical, fantasy, ecstasy
This feeling I have inside of me
I don't want to let go
And he doesn't stop me.

This sin becomes too real for him
It has to end there
I am at my doorstep
I have to get in - "It's chilly" he says
He needs to go home
Or at least that is what I tell myself.

Every time we meet
The feeling is the same, only deeper
Every time he holds me in his arms, all my walls come down
He shakes, and I shiver, when I behold his scent and he sniffs my hair
( Oh he loves the scent of my hair :) )
But the fact that he hides me from his world
Like an abominable sin, quickly dries up the tears streaming down my cheeks when I turn to look for my key.

Princess.

When I met you, my life changed.

My dreams gained a new depth.

My visions gained more health.

My life gained more wealth.

And how did I feel worse, far less?

I knew you were with someone else.

Bust most of all, you were not well.

Joy eluded you and it came like a short breath.

I wanted you to have it all - the best.

It brought so much trouble, more unrest.

I started to question my own self.

The journey has wounded West,

Yes, where the sun is setting - why not second guess?

It spelt the end of things we thought for us were best.

But how wrong we were; for on our chapters, the sun set.

A new leaf turned and the sun rose on our chest.

Joined in one but apart; 

for the sun to caress...our seedling of love, 

companionship and best friends.

I thank you for giving us a Royal Crest. 

Here's to True Love! Salute`!

Many of my friends might have this piece rubbing them the wrong way, but I have been known to say what most shy away from saying.

I wonder why no one talks to young adults about sexuality in our culture. (You know what culture I'm referring to, out Kenyan culture).

The parents always assume since they have paid school fees, the teachers/guidance and counselling teachers will handle that, but they don't.
The teachers think it is a parent's responsibility totally.
The children hope that at least in church, the one place truth and hope are in abundance, there is a chance of finding this out the right way, but as we all know church does not give it to us the right way.

For a young lady like me, who grew up in a Chrisitian home, it took me 27 years to actually know what God says about sexuality and I discovered my sexuality, through this realization.

It was in this same realization that I learnt that a man who loves God, has learnt from the best teacher how to love.

I have dated a few "save-deez" and all I ever learnt was how NOT to be treated, because for some even holding hands was a problem. There was one who told me he couldn't kiss me in public, and the reason he gave me was' "I care about your reputation Emm". It's a goodbye kiss for Christ's sake!!!

So if I was told to weigh a man's heart first, to know his stand in Christ, instead of the vague "What fellowship has light with darkness, you cannot date a non-believer", that would have saved me a lot of heartache, and a lot of INVESTED TIME.

What if you are a Chrisitian lady and you fall in love with a man who is honest, genuine, not a "holy-joe-church-going-showoff" but one who is just true, to God, himself and all that is around him???

What if you are a Chrisitian lady and all your friends root for that man who serves in the church, who leads Praise and Worship every Sunday, but does not respect you enough to even hear what you have to say, and does not even give you emotional support???

Will you be woman enough to stand your ground proudly, or let real love pass you by, just so that you don't hurt your family's feelings?

Valentinte's Day is around the corner, this time if you have never ever before, celebrate REAL love, celebrate the people who are TRUE to you, who actually love YOU FOR YOU.

The same way you never doubt God's love for you, or your mother's and/or father's love for you, is the same way you should be sure of the love you share with your partner.

Here's to True Love! Salute`!

Go On, Be Broken, It's Totally Okay.

 This is a special dedication to all my friends who lost loved ones in the beginning of this year, and especially those who have lost a Dad or a Mum, this year or in the past years.


The other day, I was thinking

No parent should have to bury their children

It is un-natural

But then again, losing a parent has to be the most painful thing on earth if you do not have kids yet.

All your parent was to you,

An anchor,

A mentor,

Your guide,

Your voice of reason.

To think all that is gone,

Is too much to bear, esp when you do not have a little one to pass the mentoring and the guiding to.

You see, when you have your own family, your kids, your husband/wife, at least you "try" to keep it together for them.

But if you are single... SMH.

Anyway, I have lost a parent and I still think of them every single day, believe it or not.

Sometimes I don't understand why people who come to grieve with you tell you to be strong, as in, why be strong? If there is ever a time for you to be broken, it's now, so that God can give you strength. 
(Psalm 51:17 says "A broken and contrite heart Oh God, you will not despise ")

So when you ever get yourself in that place, where you want to scream and not give a damn about who hears, when you feel like a cold sword is pierced right through your heart every time you think of your loved one who has passed on, 

When your heart races when you smell his/her scent, 

Or when your eyes swell with tears when you pass by his/her bedroom, 

Let go! 

Fall down to the floor if you have to, 

hug your knees if you have to, 

wail if you have to.

For it is better to be broken now, than to realize 11yrs down the line, that you never got over the passing of your beloved mum/dad. 

Then, only then, will you KNOW the importance of letting go, and being broken.