Up-Side Down World.

Things that matter, don't,

Things that shouldn't do,

That's the world we live in.

You get a good thing going, but you sabotage it,

You love someone who doesn't,

When they start loving you back, your feelings change.

Saving Grace.

Some times I cannot get out of bed,
Some times I can't wait till day break to let the sun's rays hit my skin,

Some days I feel like the love I have in my heart can conquer any worldly evil,
Some times I am not sure that I even deserve any good in my life.

I battle anxiety... yes, I do.
I struggle with keeping depression at bay.

That, with a little bit of PTSD, can cripple you,
But I am determined to emerge victorious once this war in my being is over.

I have had suicidal thoughts, more times than I can count.
But the fact that I am here writing this, means I have somehow been strong enough to not give in to the enticing thought of ending it all.

I have had more than one friend committing suicide,
It felt like they betrayed me, it felt like they went back on the pact we had about holding it down
But I am the one being selfish, thinking that them ending their life is about betrayal.

People go through a whole lot of crap in this lifetime,
We just have to listen to the silent crys for help.

All I pray, is that by the time my day draws near,
All my friends and family will have known how much I love them, how much I fought to hold on and that I will go with no regrets.

Let's be our brothers keeper.
If you think about someone, call them, you might be their saving grace.

Father's Day.

A lot of us don't see our parents as people.  People who are scared, who love, who hurt, who make mistakes and who are growing each day. We don't look at our parents in the context of cultural upbringing and constraints and perhaps we never will.

By the time you see your parents as human you will probably be really close to getting a little terrorist of your own running round, depleting your resources, time and energy but who you also love so much.

It isn't easy being a father. A lot of our fathers endured strained or borderline abusive relationships with their fathers (sometimes mothers) or no relationship which they took out on us. There's no relationship that can replace your relationship with your father. I'm saying this with the most kick-ass mother the world has ever known. There's no one like a father.

We expect our fathers to show love in the ways that we understand and if not then they should be better fathers. They should be the dads that we mould in our heads.

I talked to a friend of mine to understand why he would deny being a father of a child we all knew was his. Beyond the laughter and the jokes he told me he didn't want to be the father his dad was to him and so he would rather not be there than do that to an innocent child. We are living in a world with a lot of hurt and broken men. Men who don't have a voice on such issues and men who don't believe that they need a voice.

Did your father ever tell you how scared he was when he heard he was going to have you? Did he tell you that he had no money and had endless sleepless  nights? Did he tell you that he had to do whatever job was necessary to provide.  Did your dads share the financial struggles they have gone through?  Did he share his journey to define himself in his life and in careers and the disillusionment he went through. Did he tell you about the challenges and complexity of marriage? Did he tell you that his marriage was falling apart and he didn't know what to do? Did he tell you that he was struggling with alcoholism or he was drinking because he was lonely?
Did he tell you about the mistakes he made in his youth? Did he tell you about the ways he wished they would have parented you better and the fact that he wished that he was closer to you? He probably wished he could but he lived in a time when he couldn't. He was a prisoner of his upbringing.

A lot of the structures of fatherhood were reactionary to the cultural situations and served a purpose. Men as providers served purpose and men held each other accountable. Men have been taught to place their value on their ability to provide and anything less than that is failure and I think that last part is where there is a need to do better. Beyond the failures, we had fathers who were present, fathers who disciplined us, fathers who sacrificed their dreams and ambitions to raise us, fathers who had us as their priority even though they wouldn't say it, fathers who guided us, who were extremely proud of us (most times when we were not there, always talking about us to friends or even strangers, too) fathers who gave us a fighting spirit, fathers who we are scarily similar to us, especially in our ways of thinking, fathers who gave us advice which didn't make sense at the moment but means the world now, fathers who we hope to be half as good as, fathers who did their best.

Our fathers were not invincible. They were not always wise in how they did things. Our fathers had insecurities and they couldn't share them with us.

A lot of our dads did a brilliant job and we are the proof of it. No you're not an exceptional success in spite of your father's failures. You're great because he lived through them and still raised you.

If your dad is still around and you have a strained relationship with him, make a move. Move past halfway and meet him where he is. The fact that you're able to picture a different sort of relationship with him means that you're privileged and he gave you that chance. Talk to him. It won't be easy but try make amends. It's never too late to repair a relationship. Do it while you still can. Be his safe space. Even the toughest of dads want a real relationship with their children which is why they start being more real with you as you grow older and have kids. Perhaps they're seeking redemption?

It's honestly one regret that you don't want to live with. If it is within your power, call him, talk to him, be there for him. Forgive him.

Happy Father's Day.

(No Title)

Life can be so overwhelming,

But it hasn’t destroyed our friendship that’s so beautiful.

Silence can be so strong,

But it hasn’t destroyed our friendship for so long.

Distance can be so devastating,

But it hasn’t destroyed our bond worth celebrating.

No force in the world has the intensity

To make us each other’s enemy.

For a special friend on their birthday.

I hope you enjoy all the good things life has to offer.

Control Freaks We Are.

When someone dies,


We want to tell ourselves a story.

... that it was our fault,

Because at least that gives us some sense of control.

We hate what we cannot control, we humans,


It's in our innate nature to want control everything.

But in these very situations that we cannot control,

Comes an overwhelming sense of dependency.

...on each other,

On God.

3:37 am.

I am complex

I can laugh heartily

I can wail for days

I am mostly happy

When I am out

But in my house I wail like a little girl

I can't control it sometimes

Sometimes a song can get me started

Other times the tears come as I sit in silence (I sit in silence a lot)

I ask myself why I cry so much

I make up reasons even I start believing

But deep down I know why

I know why I cry

I know when I am about to cry

When I wake up, I can tell, "This is the day that I will cry."

On my crying days, I will always be awake at 3:37 am

Praying to God that nobody hears my wailing

Sitting on my bed... dreaming

Dreaming of what it would be like if life was different

If I was born a boy instead of a girl

If I didn't study hard in school

If I didn't think too much about how people see me

If I didn't want to fix the world

If I didn't feel my close friends' pain inside me so deeply that it gave me sleepless nights

If I didn't overthink every single issue

If I did not have anxiety

If I didn't feel the need to have everything around me in a straight line or upright at a ninety degree angle

If I didn't know what drunkards truly felt at that hour

If I didn't know the feel of a slap on my face

If I hadn't seen the devil behind angry eyes

It's 3:37 am

Deal.

We met unexpectedly,

What you felt was nobody's fault,

Neither was what I felt.

None of this was planned.

Reality check,

I belong to another, 

I am happy.

I am at fault for being 'here' - you need to deal.

I try to cushion the fall,

I am kind with my words and in my explanation,

You will have none of it.

You are condescending towards me - you need to deal.

I am a human being,

You just don't talk to me how you want,

You are not the only one with feelings.
Even if I am not as harsh as you are with your words - you need to deal.

I find myself coming back to mend bridges,

I believe our friendship is worth saving,

For what it's worth, I still do.

But you punish me for being on a different wavelength - you need to deal. 

Last call,

If you want to be friends, quit the pointing fingers,

Quit the blame game; quit the condescending remarks.

Enjoy my essence as I enjoy yours - and start dealing.