Father's Day.

A lot of us don't see our parents as people.  People who are scared, who love, who hurt, who make mistakes and who are growing each day. We don't look at our parents in the context of cultural upbringing and constraints and perhaps we never will.

By the time you see your parents as human you will probably be really close to getting a little terrorist of your own running round, depleting your resources, time and energy but who you also love so much.

It isn't easy being a father. A lot of our fathers endured strained or borderline abusive relationships with their fathers (sometimes mothers) or no relationship which they took out on us. There's no relationship that can replace your relationship with your father. I'm saying this with the most kick-ass mother the world has ever known. There's no one like a father.

We expect our fathers to show love in the ways that we understand and if not then they should be better fathers. They should be the dads that we mould in our heads.

I talked to a friend of mine to understand why he would deny being a father of a child we all knew was his. Beyond the laughter and the jokes he told me he didn't want to be the father his dad was to him and so he would rather not be there than do that to an innocent child. We are living in a world with a lot of hurt and broken men. Men who don't have a voice on such issues and men who don't believe that they need a voice.

Did your father ever tell you how scared he was when he heard he was going to have you? Did he tell you that he had no money and had endless sleepless  nights? Did he tell you that he had to do whatever job was necessary to provide.  Did your dads share the financial struggles they have gone through?  Did he share his journey to define himself in his life and in careers and the disillusionment he went through. Did he tell you about the challenges and complexity of marriage? Did he tell you that his marriage was falling apart and he didn't know what to do? Did he tell you that he was struggling with alcoholism or he was drinking because he was lonely?
Did he tell you about the mistakes he made in his youth? Did he tell you about the ways he wished they would have parented you better and the fact that he wished that he was closer to you? He probably wished he could but he lived in a time when he couldn't. He was a prisoner of his upbringing.

A lot of the structures of fatherhood were reactionary to the cultural situations and served a purpose. Men as providers served purpose and men held each other accountable. Men have been taught to place their value on their ability to provide and anything less than that is failure and I think that last part is where there is a need to do better. Beyond the failures, we had fathers who were present, fathers who disciplined us, fathers who sacrificed their dreams and ambitions to raise us, fathers who had us as their priority even though they wouldn't say it, fathers who guided us, who were extremely proud of us (most times when we were not there, always talking about us to friends or even strangers, too) fathers who gave us a fighting spirit, fathers who we are scarily similar to us, especially in our ways of thinking, fathers who gave us advice which didn't make sense at the moment but means the world now, fathers who we hope to be half as good as, fathers who did their best.

Our fathers were not invincible. They were not always wise in how they did things. Our fathers had insecurities and they couldn't share them with us.

A lot of our dads did a brilliant job and we are the proof of it. No you're not an exceptional success in spite of your father's failures. You're great because he lived through them and still raised you.

If your dad is still around and you have a strained relationship with him, make a move. Move past halfway and meet him where he is. The fact that you're able to picture a different sort of relationship with him means that you're privileged and he gave you that chance. Talk to him. It won't be easy but try make amends. It's never too late to repair a relationship. Do it while you still can. Be his safe space. Even the toughest of dads want a real relationship with their children which is why they start being more real with you as you grow older and have kids. Perhaps they're seeking redemption?

It's honestly one regret that you don't want to live with. If it is within your power, call him, talk to him, be there for him. Forgive him.

Happy Father's Day.

(No Title)

Life can be so overwhelming,

But it hasn’t destroyed our friendship that’s so beautiful.

Silence can be so strong,

But it hasn’t destroyed our friendship for so long.

Distance can be so devastating,

But it hasn’t destroyed our bond worth celebrating.

No force in the world has the intensity

To make us each other’s enemy.

For a special friend on their birthday.

I hope you enjoy all the good things life has to offer.

Control Freaks We Are.

When someone dies,


We want to tell ourselves a story.

... that it was our fault,

Because at least that gives us some sense of control.

We hate what we cannot control, we humans,


It's in our innate nature to want control everything.

But in these very situations that we cannot control,

Comes an overwhelming sense of dependency.

...on each other,

On God.

3:37 am.

I am complex

I can laugh heartily

I can wail for days

I am mostly happy

When I am out

But in my house I wail like a little girl

I can't control it sometimes

Sometimes a song can get me started

Other times the tears come as I sit in silence (I sit in silence a lot)

I ask myself why I cry so much

I make up reasons even I start believing

But deep down I know why

I know why I cry

I know when I am about to cry

When I wake up, I can tell, "This is the day that I will cry."

On my crying days, I will always be awake at 3:37 am

Praying to God that nobody hears my wailing

Sitting on my bed... dreaming

Dreaming of what it would be like if life was different

If I was born a boy instead of a girl

If I didn't study hard in school

If I didn't think too much about how people see me

If I didn't want to fix the world

If I didn't feel my close friends' pain inside me so deeply that it gave me sleepless nights

If I didn't overthink every single issue

If I did not have anxiety

If I didn't feel the need to have everything around me in a straight line or upright at a ninety degree angle

If I didn't know what drunkards truly felt at that hour

If I didn't know the feel of a slap on my face

If I hadn't seen the devil behind angry eyes

It's 3:37 am

Deal.

We met unexpectedly,

What you felt was nobody's fault,

Neither was what I felt.

None of this was planned.

Reality check,

I belong to another, 

I am happy.

I am at fault for being 'here' - you need to deal.

I try to cushion the fall,

I am kind with my words and in my explanation,

You will have none of it.

You are condescending towards me - you need to deal.

I am a human being,

You just don't talk to me how you want,

You are not the only one with feelings.
Even if I am not as harsh as you are with your words - you need to deal.

I find myself coming back to mend bridges,

I believe our friendship is worth saving,

For what it's worth, I still do.

But you punish me for being on a different wavelength - you need to deal. 

Last call,

If you want to be friends, quit the pointing fingers,

Quit the blame game; quit the condescending remarks.

Enjoy my essence as I enjoy yours - and start dealing. 

Prose.

So, I am sure most lads have no clue as to why women are crazy, angry, bitter, and you know, WOMEN!

Well, I am hoping some light will be shed today.

Women are raised by a society that tells them, "to show pain, and to speak of your uncomfortablity is a sign of weakness".
That is why most of us when asked, "Are you okay Darling?" ... the answer most often that not is, "I'm fine."

We never really have the guts to admit we are hurt.
We have been brought up to believe, that when you are hurt, you should 'handle it like a woman'. (Whatever that means.)

So we grow up with so many issues all pent up, never really being able to speak about issues that make us uncomfortable on a daily basis.
Then we meet 'Mr. Right'.

All is swell as we know how to treat him (our aunties have done their bit), we know how to allay his fears, and we even know how to calm him down when his tempers seem to rise.
We are in a happy place, we introduce him to the 'girlfriends'.

Then life happens, 'Mr. Right' says you aren't right for him anymore.
You are devastated. You cry yourself to sleep and after a week or so, you master the courage to tell your girlfriends.

Your girlfriends feel sorry for you, they may even take you out to show you a good time, but very few will ask you, "Hey, tell me how you really are."
It's not their fault at all, I mean, after all, you should be free enough with them to be able to let all those feelings out... but then again, you don't.

You take all those feelings, home. You tell yourself life has to go on. You start fake-smiling till you actually nail it. You start attending social functions. You start to slowly heal... 3 months... 6 months...
and before you know it, 1 year down the road, you are a happy soul.

You master the courage to speak about your ordeal at a bridal shower and your girlfriends are in awe.
"How could you go through such a tough ordeal?", A question, you cannot answer. You exchange hugs, and soon go back to giggling and laughing.

It is not long before you start realizing your girlfriends are hanging out with the man who single-handedly tore you to pieces.
You are mad. Fuming, but yet again, instead of displaying your true feelings, you feel your girlfriends will think you are trippin'. So you let that slide.

You let so many things slide, in the name of being mature, and one day you find out, your BFF had a thing with your Ex.
Before that sinks in, you tell your current boyfriend, and he just holds you, hoping you will feel better.
One day while the girls are having pizza, your girlfriend's phone rings and it is your boyfriend.
Yes, the one whom you are dating. (Thank God for Technology and contact IDs).

You did not know that they talk, you did not that they are friends. You wonder why either of them has kept this from you. You let it slide. But it bugs you too much and decide to confront your girlfriend.
She says that she never thought much of it, besides, you had not told the 'girls' that you were back in the dating scene till recently.

It still buggs you, and this time you confront 'bae'. He says they had a thing but swears that was before the two of you were serious.
Now, who is lying, who is telling the truth.

You take sometime off, go on a short vacation (read, movies and comfort food for a whole 3 days in your crib), and think about 'things'. Whilst thinking about things, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, all have notifications on the weekend you missed out on. Pictures of 'bae' and your girlfriend all over. Clearly an event you were not invited.

You start over-thinking but then again, you do not want to be the tripping kinda pal, so you double-tap and like the pics. Soon, convenient dates are set up and even all nighters. You are left out. You soon start getting the point. You pack your emotional bag and leave for Ecuador.

3 years later, you never really told your girlfriend what she was doing was hurting you (Yes, people, when I break up with a guy, we {meaning all my girlfriends} all temporarily break up with him too, until 'we' heal or otherwise).
Another bridal shower, we meet, we are older now, but this time round, you are not the one who is heart broken. It is your girlfriend.

Having being there once, you sympathize and just as you are about to cross over to the empathy side of the Sahara, she blubbers, "How can Shiro (another girlfriend who apparently did not make it to the bridal shower) do that to me? She knows I love him, why would she hang out with my Ex?"

You want to laugh at her but you hold it in. You look at her, she is actually, truly hurt. You almost want to remind her that what goes around........ but you don't. You hug her, hoping the hug makes her feel a little bit better.

They patch things up and Shiro immediately sends a whatsapp message "Bae and I are good, thanks lovelies for being there for me when I needed you most". We are genuinely happy for her, we even hook up on a Friday night to celebrate. You end up meeting Shiro's 'bae', and now you have a face to the name.

You are later added to similar groups on whatsapp. One cold December afternoon you get an IM, "I must confess, your eyes are to die for. I wonder how it feels to be lost in them". You do not know who this is, so you click on their whatsapp avatar. It's Shiro's bae.

You take a deep breath. You are mad that he even thought it was okay to make such a comment, but more mad that it's coming from your girlfriend's boyfriend. You scold him but he is shocked, he says you are the first to 'resist his charm'. You are so mad you want to tell Shiro, but immediately think that since she is a drama queen, you'd rather cushion the fall.

You find out how best to tell Shiro and she turns on you. Telling you how you are envious of what she has with her bae, and she even tells you to stay away from her. For good.
It kinda hurts, and you want to tell someone, but you cannot. You certainly cannot tell the girls 'cause you do not want them to have to choose between you two.

Now, imagine this... This woman who has grown up keeping all these things and more, inside, finally gets married. Barely a year after the honeymoon, she one day catches hubby flirting with a colleague. She finally explodes at the age of  40-something...

People who do not know her story will quickly pass judgement: "Why are all women crazy? What on earth would make such a woman so bitter?"

Fare Thee Well.

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad walk me down the aisle,

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad hold my child, and love him the way he loved me.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I owe to you all that I am,

For you never lost a moment to teach me things...

Things people fear,

Things that are the very essence of life.

I looked forward to the holidays,

For this sole purpose.

You had the warmest heart,

You never missed visitors in your house - wanting to tap from your wisdom.

I will not mourn,

I will celebrate - for you taught me how to be strong.

I rest assured that the pain and suffering is no more,

But I surely will miss you.

As you hang out with the angels, 

Say hi to Muthiani, and tell him that his lil munchkin misses him every morning.

Say hi to Nduku Mwengi, 

Tell her I still have our lil notes.

Say hi to Sheila Nthenya,

Tell her I remember every laugh shared.

Say hi to Darlington Maranga,

Tell him he will live forever in my dancing heart.

I will cry, I will break,

But I will thank God for every moment shared. 

                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad walk me down the aisle,

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad hold my child, and love him the way he loved me.