#Borrowed.

I watched her enticing you from the other side of the bar
I noticed your instant arousal as she leaned in a bit too far
 

I knew you weren't going with her to bed
Cause I was planning deviously
To have you play with me instead

I let her try to charm you with her nervous giggling and pretty smile
I myself found it entertaining for a little while
And when the moment was just right
 

I walked past you both-flashed you a look
Your eyes got excited
Just that glance was all it took

I was heading to the bathroom
When you followed me
You almost ran behind
Chasing my sensuality
 

When you met me there
Parting your lips to speak
I shut them with my fingertips 

I knew words would only make you weak
 

Her flirtatious aroma lingered
On your skin
The scent intoxicated me as did the power of my win
I wondered if you knew her
Or it was the first time you had met 

The thought of it excited me, made me soaking wet
 

I placed my open mouth on yours
Caressed your tongue with mine
Traced my fingers down your back
Leaving scratches on your spine
 

You leaned me up against the wall
Searching for the jewels between my thighs
I reached for your manhood
Claiming the winning prize
 

I took you in my mouth
As your fingers found my treasure
In just a few moments of bathroom bliss
We showered each other with our pleasure

Unhappiness Is Comfortably Uncomfortable.

In the recent past, I have met very many unhappy people.

People searching for something more, something that excites them.

It makes me wonder, do we deliberately make decisions that lead to our unhappiness?

Are we so comfortable being unhappy that we've pitched camp there? 

If you are reading this, are you happy?

Do you think you have met the love of your life in this lifetime? And if so, would/did you end up marrying them?

(I'm sure you have heard this next question a zillion times...) ... Do you love what you do for a living? As in, if you woke up tomorrow and we are all in the 'garden of Eden' with all needs take care of, would you still do what you wake up to do every day?

Regardless of what your answers are, there's a reason you are reading this.

Go out, do things you always wanted to do.

Reach out to that girl/guy you think could be your soulmate.

Travel to unknown lands, if you can, alone.

Go get your happiness, it's waiting to be found by you.

Up-Side Down World.

Things that matter, don't,

Things that shouldn't do,

That's the world we live in.

You get a good thing going, but you sabotage it,

You love someone who doesn't,

When they start loving you back, your feelings change.

Saving Grace.

Some times I cannot get out of bed,
Some times I can't wait till day break to let the sun's rays hit my skin,

Some days I feel like the love I have in my heart can conquer any worldly evil,
Some times I am not sure that I even deserve any good in my life.

I battle anxiety... yes, I do.
I struggle with keeping depression at bay.

That, with a little bit of PTSD, can cripple you,
But I am determined to emerge victorious once this war in my being is over.

I have had suicidal thoughts, more times than I can count.
But the fact that I am here writing this, means I have somehow been strong enough to not give in to the enticing thought of ending it all.

I have had more than one friend committing suicide,
It felt like they betrayed me, it felt like they went back on the pact we had about holding it down
But I am the one being selfish, thinking that them ending their life is about betrayal.

People go through a whole lot of crap in this lifetime,
We just have to listen to the silent crys for help.

All I pray, is that by the time my day draws near,
All my friends and family will have known how much I love them, how much I fought to hold on and that I will go with no regrets.

Let's be our brothers keeper.
If you think about someone, call them, you might be their saving grace.

Father's Day.

A lot of us don't see our parents as people.  People who are scared, who love, who hurt, who make mistakes and who are growing each day. We don't look at our parents in the context of cultural upbringing and constraints and perhaps we never will.

By the time you see your parents as human you will probably be really close to getting a little terrorist of your own running round, depleting your resources, time and energy but who you also love so much.

It isn't easy being a father. A lot of our fathers endured strained or borderline abusive relationships with their fathers (sometimes mothers) or no relationship which they took out on us. There's no relationship that can replace your relationship with your father. I'm saying this with the most kick-ass mother the world has ever known. There's no one like a father.

We expect our fathers to show love in the ways that we understand and if not then they should be better fathers. They should be the dads that we mould in our heads.

I talked to a friend of mine to understand why he would deny being a father of a child we all knew was his. Beyond the laughter and the jokes he told me he didn't want to be the father his dad was to him and so he would rather not be there than do that to an innocent child. We are living in a world with a lot of hurt and broken men. Men who don't have a voice on such issues and men who don't believe that they need a voice.

Did your father ever tell you how scared he was when he heard he was going to have you? Did he tell you that he had no money and had endless sleepless  nights? Did he tell you that he had to do whatever job was necessary to provide.  Did your dads share the financial struggles they have gone through?  Did he share his journey to define himself in his life and in careers and the disillusionment he went through. Did he tell you about the challenges and complexity of marriage? Did he tell you that his marriage was falling apart and he didn't know what to do? Did he tell you that he was struggling with alcoholism or he was drinking because he was lonely?
Did he tell you about the mistakes he made in his youth? Did he tell you about the ways he wished they would have parented you better and the fact that he wished that he was closer to you? He probably wished he could but he lived in a time when he couldn't. He was a prisoner of his upbringing.

A lot of the structures of fatherhood were reactionary to the cultural situations and served a purpose. Men as providers served purpose and men held each other accountable. Men have been taught to place their value on their ability to provide and anything less than that is failure and I think that last part is where there is a need to do better. Beyond the failures, we had fathers who were present, fathers who disciplined us, fathers who sacrificed their dreams and ambitions to raise us, fathers who had us as their priority even though they wouldn't say it, fathers who guided us, who were extremely proud of us (most times when we were not there, always talking about us to friends or even strangers, too) fathers who gave us a fighting spirit, fathers who we are scarily similar to us, especially in our ways of thinking, fathers who gave us advice which didn't make sense at the moment but means the world now, fathers who we hope to be half as good as, fathers who did their best.

Our fathers were not invincible. They were not always wise in how they did things. Our fathers had insecurities and they couldn't share them with us.

A lot of our dads did a brilliant job and we are the proof of it. No you're not an exceptional success in spite of your father's failures. You're great because he lived through them and still raised you.

If your dad is still around and you have a strained relationship with him, make a move. Move past halfway and meet him where he is. The fact that you're able to picture a different sort of relationship with him means that you're privileged and he gave you that chance. Talk to him. It won't be easy but try make amends. It's never too late to repair a relationship. Do it while you still can. Be his safe space. Even the toughest of dads want a real relationship with their children which is why they start being more real with you as you grow older and have kids. Perhaps they're seeking redemption?

It's honestly one regret that you don't want to live with. If it is within your power, call him, talk to him, be there for him. Forgive him.

Happy Father's Day.

(No Title)

Life can be so overwhelming,

But it hasn’t destroyed our friendship that’s so beautiful.

Silence can be so strong,

But it hasn’t destroyed our friendship for so long.

Distance can be so devastating,

But it hasn’t destroyed our bond worth celebrating.

No force in the world has the intensity

To make us each other’s enemy.

For a special friend on their birthday.

I hope you enjoy all the good things life has to offer.

Control Freaks We Are.

When someone dies,


We want to tell ourselves a story.

... that it was our fault,

Because at least that gives us some sense of control.

We hate what we cannot control, we humans,


It's in our innate nature to want control everything.

But in these very situations that we cannot control,

Comes an overwhelming sense of dependency.

...on each other,

On God.

3:37 am.

I am complex

I can laugh heartily

I can wail for days

I am mostly happy

When I am out

But in my house I wail like a little girl

I can't control it sometimes

Sometimes a song can get me started

Other times the tears come as I sit in silence (I sit in silence a lot)

I ask myself why I cry so much

I make up reasons even I start believing

But deep down I know why

I know why I cry

I know when I am about to cry

When I wake up, I can tell, "This is the day that I will cry."

On my crying days, I will always be awake at 3:37 am

Praying to God that nobody hears my wailing

Sitting on my bed... dreaming

Dreaming of what it would be like if life was different

If I was born a boy instead of a girl

If I didn't study hard in school

If I didn't think too much about how people see me

If I didn't want to fix the world

If I didn't feel my close friends' pain inside me so deeply that it gave me sleepless nights

If I didn't overthink every single issue

If I did not have anxiety

If I didn't feel the need to have everything around me in a straight line or upright at a ninety degree angle

If I didn't know what drunkards truly felt at that hour

If I didn't know the feel of a slap on my face

If I hadn't seen the devil behind angry eyes

It's 3:37 am

Deal.

We met unexpectedly,

What you felt was nobody's fault,

Neither was what I felt.

None of this was planned.

Reality check,

I belong to another, 

I am happy.

I am at fault for being 'here' - you need to deal.

I try to cushion the fall,

I am kind with my words and in my explanation,

You will have none of it.

You are condescending towards me - you need to deal.

I am a human being,

You just don't talk to me how you want,

You are not the only one with feelings.
Even if I am not as harsh as you are with your words - you need to deal.

I find myself coming back to mend bridges,

I believe our friendship is worth saving,

For what it's worth, I still do.

But you punish me for being on a different wavelength - you need to deal. 

Last call,

If you want to be friends, quit the pointing fingers,

Quit the blame game; quit the condescending remarks.

Enjoy my essence as I enjoy yours - and start dealing. 

Prose.

So, I am sure most lads have no clue as to why women are crazy, angry, bitter, and you know, WOMEN!

Well, I am hoping some light will be shed today.

Women are raised by a society that tells them, "to show pain, and to speak of your uncomfortablity is a sign of weakness".
That is why most of us when asked, "Are you okay Darling?" ... the answer most often that not is, "I'm fine."

We never really have the guts to admit we are hurt.
We have been brought up to believe, that when you are hurt, you should 'handle it like a woman'. (Whatever that means.)

So we grow up with so many issues all pent up, never really being able to speak about issues that make us uncomfortable on a daily basis.
Then we meet 'Mr. Right'.

All is swell as we know how to treat him (our aunties have done their bit), we know how to allay his fears, and we even know how to calm him down when his tempers seem to rise.
We are in a happy place, we introduce him to the 'girlfriends'.

Then life happens, 'Mr. Right' says you aren't right for him anymore.
You are devastated. You cry yourself to sleep and after a week or so, you master the courage to tell your girlfriends.

Your girlfriends feel sorry for you, they may even take you out to show you a good time, but very few will ask you, "Hey, tell me how you really are."
It's not their fault at all, I mean, after all, you should be free enough with them to be able to let all those feelings out... but then again, you don't.

You take all those feelings, home. You tell yourself life has to go on. You start fake-smiling till you actually nail it. You start attending social functions. You start to slowly heal... 3 months... 6 months...
and before you know it, 1 year down the road, you are a happy soul.

You master the courage to speak about your ordeal at a bridal shower and your girlfriends are in awe.
"How could you go through such a tough ordeal?", A question, you cannot answer. You exchange hugs, and soon go back to giggling and laughing.

It is not long before you start realizing your girlfriends are hanging out with the man who single-handedly tore you to pieces.
You are mad. Fuming, but yet again, instead of displaying your true feelings, you feel your girlfriends will think you are trippin'. So you let that slide.

You let so many things slide, in the name of being mature, and one day you find out, your BFF had a thing with your Ex.
Before that sinks in, you tell your current boyfriend, and he just holds you, hoping you will feel better.
One day while the girls are having pizza, your girlfriend's phone rings and it is your boyfriend.
Yes, the one whom you are dating. (Thank God for Technology and contact IDs).

You did not know that they talk, you did not that they are friends. You wonder why either of them has kept this from you. You let it slide. But it bugs you too much and decide to confront your girlfriend.
She says that she never thought much of it, besides, you had not told the 'girls' that you were back in the dating scene till recently.

It still buggs you, and this time you confront 'bae'. He says they had a thing but swears that was before the two of you were serious.
Now, who is lying, who is telling the truth.

You take sometime off, go on a short vacation (read, movies and comfort food for a whole 3 days in your crib), and think about 'things'. Whilst thinking about things, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook, all have notifications on the weekend you missed out on. Pictures of 'bae' and your girlfriend all over. Clearly an event you were not invited.

You start over-thinking but then again, you do not want to be the tripping kinda pal, so you double-tap and like the pics. Soon, convenient dates are set up and even all nighters. You are left out. You soon start getting the point. You pack your emotional bag and leave for Ecuador.

3 years later, you never really told your girlfriend what she was doing was hurting you (Yes, people, when I break up with a guy, we {meaning all my girlfriends} all temporarily break up with him too, until 'we' heal or otherwise).
Another bridal shower, we meet, we are older now, but this time round, you are not the one who is heart broken. It is your girlfriend.

Having being there once, you sympathize and just as you are about to cross over to the empathy side of the Sahara, she blubbers, "How can Shiro (another girlfriend who apparently did not make it to the bridal shower) do that to me? She knows I love him, why would she hang out with my Ex?"

You want to laugh at her but you hold it in. You look at her, she is actually, truly hurt. You almost want to remind her that what goes around........ but you don't. You hug her, hoping the hug makes her feel a little bit better.

They patch things up and Shiro immediately sends a whatsapp message "Bae and I are good, thanks lovelies for being there for me when I needed you most". We are genuinely happy for her, we even hook up on a Friday night to celebrate. You end up meeting Shiro's 'bae', and now you have a face to the name.

You are later added to similar groups on whatsapp. One cold December afternoon you get an IM, "I must confess, your eyes are to die for. I wonder how it feels to be lost in them". You do not know who this is, so you click on their whatsapp avatar. It's Shiro's bae.

You take a deep breath. You are mad that he even thought it was okay to make such a comment, but more mad that it's coming from your girlfriend's boyfriend. You scold him but he is shocked, he says you are the first to 'resist his charm'. You are so mad you want to tell Shiro, but immediately think that since she is a drama queen, you'd rather cushion the fall.

You find out how best to tell Shiro and she turns on you. Telling you how you are envious of what she has with her bae, and she even tells you to stay away from her. For good.
It kinda hurts, and you want to tell someone, but you cannot. You certainly cannot tell the girls 'cause you do not want them to have to choose between you two.

Now, imagine this... This woman who has grown up keeping all these things and more, inside, finally gets married. Barely a year after the honeymoon, she one day catches hubby flirting with a colleague. She finally explodes at the age of  40-something...

People who do not know her story will quickly pass judgement: "Why are all women crazy? What on earth would make such a woman so bitter?"

Fare Thee Well.

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad walk me down the aisle,

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad hold my child, and love him the way he loved me.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I owe to you all that I am,

For you never lost a moment to teach me things...

Things people fear,

Things that are the very essence of life.

I looked forward to the holidays,

For this sole purpose.

You had the warmest heart,

You never missed visitors in your house - wanting to tap from your wisdom.

I will not mourn,

I will celebrate - for you taught me how to be strong.

I rest assured that the pain and suffering is no more,

But I surely will miss you.

As you hang out with the angels, 

Say hi to Muthiani, and tell him that his lil munchkin misses him every morning.

Say hi to Nduku Mwengi, 

Tell her I still have our lil notes.

Say hi to Sheila Nthenya,

Tell her I remember every laugh shared.

Say hi to Darlington Maranga,

Tell him he will live forever in my dancing heart.

I will cry, I will break,

But I will thank God for every moment shared. 

                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad walk me down the aisle,

I'll never know how it feels to have my dad hold my child, and love him the way he loved me.

Bad Friends.

I worshiped you and put you on a pedestal 

I actually enjoyed our conversations

I valued the advise you gave me

I was a fool to think you actually cared

But you were one of my own

When with you I felt taken care of

Only to later realize

The kindness was on a plate of despise

You lied to me

I found out

I approached you about it

Now you feel offended

I am as sweet as a morsel in the mouth of a starving man

But when scorned I am as fierce as a lioness who just lost one of her cubs

It was great uncovering the layers you adorn yourself with

Because with each layer came a new discovery of how deep my revenge can breed

You Are A Coward. (For the broken-hearted).

I always thought that you were the strongest person I will ever meet, but all I have been seeing is a mask.

You are a coward.

You dare venture into countries that you know well enough have monstrous armies, but then you go into hibernation when the armies come at you.

You dare furnish your thoughts with dreams unrealized, and fan that fire, but once the fire is burning, you pour ash all over it.

You are a coward.

You sing ballads to me when we are alone, but in the presence of merely strangers, people who do not even matter (or so I thought, but now I know), you behave as if you have only just met me.

But one thing you fail to realize, as much as you keep me hidden – us hidden - as much as you seem to ‘just-have-met-me’, as much as you hibernate and pour ash all over that blazing fire, you can never conceal how you felt, whilst doing all that you did.

You will never erase the imprint I made in your heart, as our souls connected.

You are a coward.

We might stop talking in future, we might even stop all form of contact all together, but your eyes, will always betray you, when it comes to me.

Dead Life.

They say what happens to you in life is not what matters,

That it's what you do afterwards, that actually does.

I followed that advice, and I have become nothing close to what I dreamt to be.

I was a bubbly person, fun, loved hanging out, I trusted people, going on adventures and trips, and making new friends.

Now, I am a very quiet, reserved and introverted human being, locking everyone out of my enormous walls.

I am comfortable with where I am, sometimes.

But the truth is, I would be way way waaaayyyy ahead in life if I did not change my personality.

I am a woman, and I will always be high in hormones, in search of the truth, the right career, the right man, the right time to do this and that...

But it doesn't not grant me a free ticket to take my pain out on any other people/things.

So, I own up to my dead life, this dead life I have been living for far too long.

I ask for grace to make a change soon.

The Lies We See, The Lies We Tell, The Lies We Live, The Lies We Have Become.

Those that have been abused, abuse others.

Those that say everyone whom they ever loved, went away, push the ones that love them the most, away.

Those that preach against fornication, practice it behind closed doors.

Those that put you down, admire you.

Those that say there is no such thing as love, throw true love away, once they get it.

Those that mock you for being fat, end up fat.

Those that play "shy", actually aren't.

Those that hate you, cannot bear to unfriend / unfollow you.

Those that love too much, have hurt the longest.

Those that trust too easy, interact with people who break their trust, repeatedly.

Those who are know-it-alls, are quite insecure with themselves in-front of large crowds, and as a defense mechanism, feel the need to collect all this information (true or not), so as to have something to offer.

Those that say, “I’m not photogenic, I hate pictures”, are actually dying to get one. And when they do,  they share it.

Those that say, “It’s for charity”, announce they deeds all over, even get the media in on it and advertisers too.

Those who said to you, “I will never love another, if it ain’t you… it’s no one”, will move on so fast, you will be left choking up on the smoke they left behind.

Those that tell you, “trust Jesus”, worry the most.

Those that cannot forgive others, cannot forgive themselves.

Those that read this, will automatically have a pre-conceived notion of how disturbed (or liberated) the writer of this piece is... unless... 

Can't a Woman be Mad for Just One More Day?

I am hurting inside

I have the remedy

But I am too stubborn to end my suffering.

I have tried

(Not hard enough though)

But I just can't seem to let it go.

I seem incapable of forgiving

Holding on to the wrong is so justifiable

Regardless of the fact that I know I have to forgive, to be forgiven.

You see I just cannot fathom

How someone can be so cruel

To a person they once broke bread with.

Day in day out

This person is pushing a knife in your back

But patting you at the same time.

But I need to move on

I was hurt, I still am scathed

But for my sake I need to let go of this pain.

Somehow holding on to the bitterness is a comfort zone

Staying mad feels oh so good

So can't a woman be mad for just one more day?

The Pain of Regret and Fear.

The pain of regret is worst of all because by the time it hits you that you lost its in most cases too late. And just the thought of that loss is unbearable.
Yet it's self inflicted and you can't blame anyone expect yourself.

Some of the reasons for this include fear.
Being afraid to dare, being afraid of the shame that comes with falling short. 

We shall never know if we never dared God and see that he can do what he says he can do. 

I went to a hospital and laid hands on a patient and prayed the pray of Mark 16:18.

And they still died and I was so discouraged that fear gripped my heart such that I was so apprehensive to do that in public again. But then my son got sick and medicine was not doing much and when I dared God healed him and he was discharged from hospital. 

From that day on I resolved that God could depend on me by His grace and being embarrassed would not stop me.

The thought that scares me is, what if God honoured that prayer such that that person would live and not die because I obeyed.

Fear is not of God but the devil.

Fear not; for God is with us; not because we are without sin but because God is faithful to his word. 

#PastorTalks

Forgiving and Forgetting and Moving On.

That moment when you are on social media

And a thought crosses your mind

It's been long since you saw your Ex's profile

That is, after blocking, un-following or de-friend-ing him/her.

So you go to their profile

And start seeing what they have been up to

Funny enough your heart is racing

And something tells you, "You might not want to see what you are just about to see".

But some other thing tells you "There is only one way to find out if you have TRULY moved on"

So the profile is full of fun stuff, which gives the notion that they have been having a swell time without you

But then further down, you see those sweet-nothings you used to write to each other

They are still there

They are there for the whole world to see that once upon a time, they loved you

And they loved you truly, deeply, sincerely

Even if it was not meant to last, for the time it did, you were indeed loved.

So you log out of social media with a smile

Knowing that however your relationship ended, or however bitter either of you were

Even with all the hate you once had in your heart for each other

Your Ex can never change how you made them feel.

I Am His Lethal Sin.

He calls me to hear my voice
I call him to know if he's fine
We don't do it often
We both have too much pride
To admit to each other
What our relationship does to one another.

I don't take him home,
He doesn't take me to his mama
My friends don't even know him
And his, don't know me, let alone my friends
When he has to see me, or I him,
It has to be away from familiarity.

We get talking
I love his vibe
He gets off my vibe too
He gives me those eyes...
On our not-so-awkward, not-so-comfortable silence breaks
You know, those eyes that say, "Damn girl, I wish 'she' was you."

We are done talking
Catching up
After 5 whole hours
Just as usual
I am kind of sad, and so is he
But he is always brave about it... nkt... these lads!

We get into the car
He is not driving this time
We are being driven
We are in the back seat, he holds my hand, gently but with a reassuring firm grip,
And we snuggle
It's raining outside, perfect way to keep warm as we talk
But soon we fall short of words
Words limit our truest of feelings
So we sit in explosive but comfortable silence
'Till we get to my place
And he opens the car door
Perfect gentleman.

The moment is here
I look deep into his glistening eyes
As he unflinchingly looks into mine
He pulls me to himself and holds me tight
This feeling is lethal
I want to die and I want to live forever.

In eight seconds
Our heartbeats sync
It's mythical, fantasy, ecstasy
This feeling I have inside of me
I don't want to let go
And he doesn't stop me.

This sin becomes too real for him
It has to end there
I am at my doorstep
I have to get in - "It's chilly" he says
He needs to go home
Or at least that is what I tell myself.

Every time we meet
The feeling is the same, only deeper
Every time he holds me in his arms, all my walls come down
He shakes, and I shiver, when I behold his scent and he sniffs my hair
( Oh he loves the scent of my hair :) )
But the fact that he hides me from his world
Like an abominable sin, quickly dries up the tears streaming down my cheeks when I turn to look for my key.

Princess.

When I met you, my life changed.

My dreams gained a new depth.

My visions gained more health.

My life gained more wealth.

And how did I feel worse, far less?

I knew you were with someone else.

Bust most of all, you were not well.

Joy eluded you and it came like a short breath.

I wanted you to have it all - the best.

It brought so much trouble, more unrest.

I started to question my own self.

The journey has wounded West,

Yes, where the sun is setting - why not second guess?

It spelt the end of things we thought for us were best.

But how wrong we were; for on our chapters, the sun set.

A new leaf turned and the sun rose on our chest.

Joined in one but apart; 

for the sun to caress...our seedling of love, 

companionship and best friends.

I thank you for giving us a Royal Crest.